Years
by Miss Momolo
Summary: A series of drabbles and assortments. Warning: Adult Rin Please review


**Declaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or their characters. I like to clarify that this is adult Rin. I also listed some of the songs next to the title of the drabble that helped me with these series of drabbles. I like to say the word drabble. Please review !**

* * *

_Circles (We Were Colors By: Kyle Andrews)_

Circles. Circles. Circles.

She likes spinning in circles. She's too old to be spinning in circles. She doesn't care. The world doesn't look like the world she is used to. It's different, the colors more vibrant, they blend, they form new colors. It's a different place, a different time. She like's spinning until she falls on the ground. The fall doesn't hurt as much, the flowers underneath her break her fall. She starts to laugh when she thinks herself as a killer, she just murdered beautiful flowers. She doesn't care.

The only thing that she doesn't like is the after effects, the nausea, the dizziness. The feeling that she is so distant, above everything else and then everything is in loops and pieces. She doesn't care. She starts spinning again.

Sometimes he watches. She wonders at times why he does. She was sure she looked like a stupid girl, like Jaken says. And yet in some moments she pictures herself moving at a slow pace and then their eyes meeting. It's like he is telling her something but she is deaf to his words.

Sometimes he tells her to stop and that's the only time she actually cares.

* * *

_Red_

The color red is an ugly color.

If she closes her eyes she can still see it. She doesn't know if she is scared. She wishes that if that weren't the case that she at least feel something. Anything. Being numb is like being dead.

She rather live.

But she can't because all she can see is red.

She knew he was aware she had seen him like that. And if he didn't there was still a clear indication. She was avoiding him. That day where he was covered in blood, it still brought a shudder in some deep part of her. She knew she was being silly, she has seen him countless times kill an enemy. But somehow this time was different. It was only a kid, maybe early teens; he was stealing some of their supplies. Sesshomaru had caught him and had disposed of him. She guessed that what stroke her was that she saw herself in that kid, trying to survive with whatever it could find… or steal. Somehow it was like seeing Sesshomaru kill her.

"Rin," he says.

She buries her head deeper in the bed she created with her arms. She pretends she didn't hear him because maybe if she pretends maybe everything will go away. Maybe she can trick her mind and he will remain unchanged. Perfect.

"Is Rin… mad?" he asks.

She holds her tongue. But she knows that she can't stay like that forever so she lifts her face. "No," she answers without looking his way. She doesn't know why she can't look at him even though she's aware he doesn't have any blood in him.

_It's still there, _a voice tells her.

She's almost surprise when he kneels in front of her. She could feel Jaken angry glare from across the fire as if everything was all her fault. Maybe she was. Maybe she's overreacting. She surely felt like it when he is there doing the unexpected.

"What is it?" it was so uncharacteristic that she had to look his way and is immediately trapped by his eyes. It's like his trying to uncover something, to figure her out. She wants to scream.

She is able to shake her head. "Nothing, My Lord. I'm okay."

Without a word he is up.

Another second and he is gone.

She covers her head in its previous resting place.

"You stupid girl," Jaken says and she understands Sesshomaru is really gone because he will never tell her that if he was there. She ignores him, she doesn't really care. But he isn't done. "Now Lord Sesshomaru won't return for days. He's upset."

She can still see red as she asks. "Why is that?"

He simply answers. "Because _you_ are."

* * *

_Life Saving (Swimming By: Florence and the machine)_

His breath was warm inside her mouth. It was like new life to her lungs who started to convulsed water. In the dark corners of her mind she tried to understand what was happening but for a moment all she could concentrate was in the pain in her chest. She tried to move, spit the water accumulating in her mouth but above her something was preventing her.

_Am I dying? _

One more breathe. She then started to realize that she was trying to cough but something prevented her.

_Lips._

Her eyes flew open and saw Sesshomaru. He stared right back, his pupils small then big. She choked. He immediately moved some space for her to move and she started to vomit the contents from her mouth.

When she stopped she started to shiver and then she apprehended herself. She was wet from head to toe. She looked at Sesshomaru. He was partially wet too but appeared drier then her.

_I was drowning_, something told her.

Now she remembered clearly. It was a hot day and she was so happy when she found a small river. What she hadn't realized was that some parts of the river where dented and deeper than they seemed. Before she sunk she remembered screaming. Then, then, then, then, then…

She touched her lips and started to shiver more violently. He saved her life countless times. So many her fingers long ago ran out to actually count them. But this…

She doubled over in Sesshomaru's arms and puked again. When he had assumed she was done he carried her somewhere, she already forgotten where they had settled camp. He didn't say anything and she was too embarrass or too exhausted to produce any type of sound to communicate.

"Never," he said so low she wasn't sure if she had water in her ears too.

"Sorry?"

"Never ever do that again." He was looking up ahead but when he said the last words his eyes flicker slightly down at her.

Rin felt like she had cobwebs in her mouth and even though she swallowed two times she still found it difficult to speak. She decided not to, instead she found herself very tired. She leaned in his chest armor and closed her eyes.

She was awoken later by the sound of Jaken chatter and nonsense about him warning her of things like this. The sun had started to dip and everything appeared golden, even the long thick trees. Her eyes felt heavy so it was a surprise when she found Sesshomaru knelt over her, covering her with some sort of blanket. Now that the rush had passed he seemed to stiffed at her sudden movement. He quickly composed himself and continued as if they never made eye contact in the first place.

She was irritated just for an instant. She grabbed at his hand and forced him to look her in the eyes again. He did, doing it quizzically.

She sighed.

"Never," she said.

* * *

_Irritable_

Jaken wasn't around. At the end of the day she doesn't even remember where he went. Sometimes it doesn't even matter because he will eventually turn up. So, it was strange when Sesshomaru came in through the trees and not him. She felt a small flutter of surprise ignite in her chest. She hasn't seen him in days.

"Where's Jaken?" he immediately demanded.

She tried to hide the startle that rose in her skin by the sharpness in his voice and the small disappointment she felt that he didn't began his conversation with a 'how-are-you'.

"I-I don't know." She hated that she stuttered too pathetically in front of her Lord.

"Speak clearly, Rin." He said bluntly. "Nobody understands you."

She bit her lip. "Yes, My Lord." She cleared her throat and tried again, her tone detached. "I haven't seen Jaken since this morning. He left the campsite. Where? I don't remember. Why? This Rin doesn't remember either."

Sesshomaru spun around and was headed back from where he came from. Rin struggled as she jumped on her feet and started behind him. "Wait, My Lord!"

He rotated slightly. Rin gulped. He seemed irritable. "What's wrong?"

His eyes narrowed and looked somewhere in the distance. "He is supposed to be here. I told him not to leave you alone for so long."

It was the longest sentence she ever heard her Lord state. It was clear he was angry. Somehow that annoyed her. She crossed her arms, trying not to roll her eyes. It is not ladylike to roll eyes, said Jaken. But she didn't because her Lord once looked her strangely when she did. "Then why doesn't My Lord stay? If he is so worried…"

Sesshomaru's eyes widen as if what she had proposed was the most absurd thing he has ever heard. It hurt her, just a little. She felt a tingle at her chest. "Or leave me alone, I am very capable of handling myself!"

His face was quickly replaced with his stoic mask and he stood there delivering what was he to do next. "That is very unlikely," he murmured.

Rin's mouth hung open and a sound of indigent rolled around her tongue. She surprised both herself and her Lord. She slowly felt herself boil and knew she was turning red although she didn't know if it was because she was angry or embarrassed. She quickly turned around and stumped her way back, sitting herself with tight crossed arms and gritting teeth.

Moments later Sesshomaru came and he sat across the fire. She could sense he was watching her and he did it in an intent way so she would turn his way but she hold herself in check. To prove her point she took in big gulps of air and release long lingering breaths. She blinked several thousand times as if that way she could erase herself from this place she was in.

"Rin-" he began but was quickly interrupted my Jaken's constant chatter, even when it was with himself.

Whatever moment was about to take place was broken and all Rin heard was Jaken prizing and flattering Sesshomaru and his complains about Rin and all the awful things she did today even though he was out all day. When she turned at the mention of her name she found that Jaken was talking to no one in particular. Sesshomaru was only looking at her, strangely as if amuse by all this.

Rin interrupted Jaken with a big groan as she stood and headed somewhere far.

"What's wrong with that one?" Jaken asked, too dramatic for his own ways.

There was a moment of silence and Rin slowed her pace to hear his response.

"This Sesshomaru has no idea," he answered.

Rin stopped before continuing again, letting a big grunt loud enough for both demon to hear. Her legs wandered and despite herself she found herself snickering to herself.

_I can be irritable too!_

* * *

_Screams_

"Rin, wake up." Someone said, starting to shake one shoulder.

Her eyes were wet and her throat hurt. She blinked her eyes into focus, trying to define reality from her unconsciousness.

_It was only a dream_, she told herself.

_No,_ a voice protested. _It was nightmare._

It was worst this time though. She saw bits of her past, of the struggle, of the blood and death and abuse. Of those who called themselves family and friends and treated her worst than dirt. In this one she couldn't find herself out of that life, no escape. There wolfs killed her. There she didn't open her eyes again. Just thinking about never finding liberation, of never finding her Lord brought tears in her eyes and a new kind of sadness.

"You were screaming," Sesshomaru whispered.

Rin swallowed a sob. "My Lord," she said, reaching out into the darkness where she could make a silhouette sitting near her form. The silhouette makes no move towards her even though she was sure he knew she was trying to grab his hand. "Please."

"What is it, Rin?" he only asked.

"Please." She can only say, struggling with her words as they wobble and tremble like trees do under soft winds. A form from her shift and she repeats more quietly as not to wake Jakken too. He was so accustom by her nightmare screams that he no longer woke by them. In fact she doesn't either, it's only Sesshomaru. "_Please."_

He moved closer and even though he has made no attempt at reaching back she did. She took his hand and gripped it as hard as she could as if her life depended on it. Maybe it did.

"Everybody always left," she was surprise at the bitterness in her words. Then she said more softly. "Please … don't _you_ leave me."

There was silence. A moment where her heart slammed in her chest.

Then, "I won't."

* * *

_Happy birthday (Crushcrushcrush By: Paramore)_

Rin's eyes sparkled, seeing her reflection in the small white crystal hanging from the gold chain. She looked different. Well, today was different. She had taken it to herself to look unlike herself. She had arranged her hair back, decorating it with flowers, twisting and rearranging it in a way that she had to do a double take when she was done. Then she had grabbed some herbs and some other flowers and had created some paint, afterwards preceded in brushing it in her face. Dressed herself in one of her classier kimonos and waited for her Lord to come from his long journey. She knew from years of experience that he would always return from however far to her on this day. Her birthday.

Now she took in her hands the delicate intricate necklace Sesshomaru had brought from his voyage. Though she quickly discarded it as for her to wrap her arms around his neck. "Thank you, My Lord." She pulled just the slightest and did the unexpected. She gave a small kiss to his face.

He looked at her strangely, as if she broke the most secrete rule. In one swift movement he had detached her from himself and was moving far away from her, disappearing within some trees.

Rin was left standing. There was a brush of wind and she shivered. The night seemed to have become alive and all you could hear were nighttime sounds. Jaken shifted, shuffling with something on the ground. She later realized he was searching for her necklace.

"What did you do, stupid girl?" he asked accusingly but she had already taken off after her Lord.

Rin thought for a moment that she might have spent the rest of the night and her birthday looking for him. But after twenty minutes she had found him, resting on a rock. His face was a stone carving, difficult to interpret. His eyes were gazing at his Tenseiga. She approached with caution, not sure why she was there in the first place. He was the one who had run off, leaving her to feel the most awful. _And on her birthday!_

Rin hid her trembling hands inside the kimono's long sleeves. Her legs felt like water as she neared. Some part of her brain told her to turn around and find some place to cover, to hide. He reminded her of a dog… right before it's about to attack.

"My Lord," she said her voice strong and meaningful. Over the years she has learned how to conceal her discomfort with efficient tones. She wasn't scared of her Lord. She was scared of what he was capable of.

"Let me be, Rin." His voice was like venom and she had to take in air, finding some dizzy lights start to swim in her vision.

"Are you mad at Rin for something?" but he didn't even look her way. She felt helpless and very stupid- something she hasn't felt in years. There was a strange stinging in her eyes. "I didn't do anything. My Lord is being- being obtuse." She gasped at her own words but it wasn't like she regretted it. Then she sighed the words. "…and on my birthday."

Within seconds Sesshomaru was standing in front of her, sword drawn. In an instant she imagined him slicing her throat and her bleeding to death in the ground. He seemed very capable of doing it in that moment and she knew he would have, she saw it in his eyes. But he drew Tenseiga to its hilt and looked fiercely down at her.

"You do not know what you are speaking of, Rin. I suggest that if you have nothing good to say do not say anything at all. It only makes you seem more naïve than you already are." For what was worth he was better of cutting her with his sword.

Rin felt one tear dip from her eyelash. She looked at some point in the distance as she took in his words. She pretended it was Jaken who had chastised her because his words reminded her of Jaken's and told herself that it wasn't true. That it didn't hurt. She sucked it all in. What was the thing that Lady Kagome told her once? Sticks and stones…

She let a strangled laugh escape her lips and she brought both of her dead cold hands to her mouth to stop her hysteria. Her eyes snapped to his yellow emerald ones. They told her nothing. "My Lord you are mistaken if you think I am naïve enough to believe your words… I got a lot so say to you, indeed, I got a lot to say."

He remained silent. Rin walked away to the stone he was resting upon and leaned there. She crossed her arms. She played with some rocks on the ground. When she thought she created enough suspense she looked up. She replicated one of his facades and stared bluntly at him. She was serious and she could make the outline of his mask give in.

"I notice that your eyes are always glue to me," she said, trying to detach herself from whatever she was feeling. "And I keep them in my pockets at times when I'm lonely or when you're away but right now I wish I was wearing my old kimono because this person in front of me doesn't make any sense to me, at all."

"You are being stupid," he simply murmured. "My e-"

"You know they are," she quickly intervened. "And I'm tired of pretending they're not. Rin is tired of pretending for her Lord!"

Sesshomaru looked away just for an instant then back. She held in a breath. He looked like someone had physically injured him. Before he dashed out of her line of vision she heard him whisper, "I'm not my father."

She carried the echo of those words until she returned to Jaken.

* * *

_Fine_

Orange leaves fell all over them as if it was raining. A puff of air looked like a cloud as she breathed the October winds. She ran as fast as she could to the various bundles on the ground. She threw her body in one of them and closed her eyes for a second. Then she reopened them, feeling herself in another place. The skies were gray and everything was orange and yellow. Everything was okay in that moment.

And somehow she knew that afterwards things were going to be okay too.

* * *

_Whispers_

"I love you," she whispered but she wasn't sure he heard her. All she saw was the cold cloud from December come out of her mouth. She looked at the snow covered ground. It was too cold for her to cry but she was sure she was turning red, her eyes protruding long veins.

He was still walking away.

* * *

_Shadows_

Her head stuck from the water. She gasped for air then dipped again. She swam deeper and deeper until she was certain she reached the ground but wasn't that sure, her lungs wouldn't stand for so long for her to figure it out. Within a half hour or so she grew tired of her afternoon swim and headed for the same old tree were she hung her clothes and gear.

While she dressed she heard something rustling around the trees. But she was prepared this time. She quickly dashed for her bow and pointed it to where she thought she saw a shadow but she never released the arrow. It was gone. She got up from where she half knelt.

She had told Kagome to teach her how to use a bow and even though Kagome had eyed her quizzically she had agreed. She had done it to protect herself, or so she told herself. Lately she couldn't even relax while she bathed because she felt like she was being watched. She never saw who it was just shadows. She thought maybe it was one of the old geezers from the Village spying on her. But now she was growing paranoid.

_What if it was all in her head? _

_No, _Rin told herself. _It has to be one of those geezers. You just have to bathe somewhere else next time._

When she was sure she reassured herself enough for her to move on, she headed towards the Village.

* * *

_Strange_ (Won't Let you Go By: Avril Lavigne)

"When your fire turns to ashes," she told him.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I still won't let go," she answered, looking up at him from cross the room. She smiled warmly at him.

He just gave her a strange look.

* * *

_Comparison_

"You are the only exception," he said, his voice not sounding like himself.

She wasn't sure what he meant. But then again she didn't understand half the things he said. Of course she couldn't give it much thought either because he was so close. So close. So close. So close. There's no one around. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. It felt like he was pressing against her. Pressing-pressing-pressing-

He looked down at her, taking her jaw in both of his hands. He leaned in, his lips almost touching hers. But he stopped, looked up. Down again. He pressed his forehead to hers. He whispered, "I'm not my father."

She closed her eyes, trying to concentrate. He smelled like mint and trees. She breathed in. He never ever talks about his dad. This is the second time she heard of the man her entire life. What his father did she would never know. But right now she doesn't care either. Maybe in the past she would have, maybe the slightest. To hear of such a strong fearful demon. The father of her Lord. But right now-

"But you are the only exception," he said, this time above her mouth, almost inaudible. "I swear you're the only one-"

Rin gave small jumps. What was wrong with her? She felt birds jittering inside her chest. Cocoons starting to crack inside her stomach. She giggled. Such an inappropriate behavior towards her Lord! Maybe that's why she was so excited. She bit down his bottom lip and felt a jolt of adrenaline.

He didn't make any sound he just pushed down his mouth on her and she felt like she was about to explode. Boom! She was dead and all her pieces he carried in his opened hands. She was a plant that hadn't seen the sun in years. She was a tree with no leaves. She was-she was-she was-

He pulled her closer to him and she wondered if that was even possible. Could they be more close? Could such a thing exist? Her brain was starting to wonder through places and corners in her mind when there was a knock on the door to Sesshomaru's study and without any permission whoever it was starting to enter.

Rin squeaked pulling away. Sessomaru straightening beside her, his poise returning. He didn't look her way and she was very shy to do so herself. She immediately heard Jaken's voice with its constant on going chatter.

"My Lord whatever is taking you so long," he came in, looking down at some papers, "remember you are to visit your Mother today-" he looked up. "My Lord, what happened!"

Rin quickly went and asserted what he meant. She gasped, brining hands to her mouth wondering if she was the same. But then she remember her Lord didn't bit down-

She starting to laugh as she saw Sesshomaru's bloody lip then she stepped back, trying to control herself. She couldn't. More was her laughter when she saw Sesshomaru bring a finger to his lip and draw blood. Even greater when he said to the small imp. "It's nothing."

"Nothing!" Jaken almost yell. Rin started to double over, feeling her brain bumping too much blood. He turned at her and sneered. "Will you control yourself, Rin. This is no laughing matter can't you see Lord Sesshomaru is hurt!"

"I'm fine, Jaken," Sesshomaru scorned.

Jaken nervously bowed. "Of course My Lord!" Rin continued to laugh as she walked out, figuring out it was best she left before she gave any more way. "What's wrong with that one?"

She heard Sesshomaru say. "This Sesshomaru has no idea."

* * *

_In the end_

"This Sesshomaru loves you too," his voice reached her from across the mist at the end. She turned in a small circle. But he wasn't nowhere in sight.


End file.
